Hope

Well bad news arrived at the oncologist's office. My Mother and I went to her appt. alone because my Father and son went to the beach for his last little get away before school started. We always take 2-3 trips, but this year there was none so they went off for 4 nights. We had no idea what was to come at the Dr.'s office otherwise my father never would have left. Can you imagine having to hear over the phone that your wife has a bad cancer.  We thought ok hysterectomy, all the cancer is gone and a little chemo to clean house. In between a sentence the Dr. threw in it was not curable, her remaining cancer. After making him back track and pure shock like a knife just gutted me, he explained the cancer had spread and it's kind was not curable. There was no words of hope. Just a statistic and a matter of fact sentence. He wasn't mean, just not warm or hopeful. I don't believe in Dr.'s giving numbers or months so thank God he did'nt do that. My Mother has 18 weeks of hard chemo and they are giving her triple dose once a week so triple the side effects they said.  We have cried and talked and now we start to fight. I wish it would have been me instead. I would have scared cancer away. I pray my Mother has the fight in her. She has already lost so much weight. I spend my time cleaning her home and looking for cute things for her to wear or special chemo hats that are fashionable and not so  ugly looking. I put antique brooches on her blouse and sweaters and I am looking for unusual jewelry for her. Which is her favorite. If any have any suggestions  let me know. Its also hard to find cute clothing for a 62 year old who is so thin and wears a small.  Every day I find a spot to hide and scream. Each second  a different emotion. Shock, anger, tears, pain, screams, depression, and then I some how find hope.  I am terrified to be without her and feel lke I am going with her. She is my best friend and I just can't loose her. None of us can. Not yet.  It broke my heart when Mom told me Daddy curled up behind her and cried and asked her not to leave him.. I am going to be positive with her and continue to come up with things that make her happy and find good luck charms. I don't know what kind of religion all of you have, but please pray for her, J.D.Y. in Homosassa, Fl. Any suggestions or stories or e-mails are welcome or tips. Thank you, E

P.S. I had to leave my Mom with the nurse and  When I burst out of the Dr.'s office doubled over crying and crying,   several little plump  chemo lady angels saw me and ran out to comfort me and hold me.  I will never forget it. People change and start to live and love life  and appreciate life when they think it might be taken away. So silly to worry about the small things, just be glad to be alive..you're lucky, even if life didn't hand you what you wanted.

Comments

[coco]

Dearest Elizabeth,
Please know that there are many women standing behind you, willing to hold you up during these difficult times. Kiss your Momma for us all and know that we will be praying for you and your family.
Love,
Coco