Daphne's Cottage: 10 Horrific things to do to your man while he sleeps

Try to remember when you're reading these delicious ideas that no matter what you have to do or how gross or unlady-like the action may be, you can still hold on to your dignity, feminine charms and lady-like attributes as long as you.... wear pink high heels, a pink feathered trailing robe, a tiara, hair up in a fabulous do, with ringlets cascading down your back, and most importantly every step you take and every movement you make, that you do so with tiny dainty steps and actions. If you have to pick something out of the catbox do it with grace and style. As you walk away from the catbox, with a small tootsie roll, inbetween kitchen tongs, swing your hips in a cutsie-pie feminine motion taking dainty steps which will allow your long robe to billow out like a queen, and your ringlets to bounce up and down.

All of these assaults mentioned below, I have tried on all of my husbands, and I am constantly on the lookout for new and fresh ideas. Some of the more horrific things I have accomplished to do to men cannot be told at this time due to the dead relatives who may roll over in their graves and due to my mother's nervous condition, which she treats with the occasional valium and White-Russian chaser. Of course you never want to take it too far like my Aunt Martha did one night when my uncle complained about a dried pork-chop. She waited for him to go to bed and shot him dead. After her dirty-deed, she sashayed back to the living room in her pink high heels to finish watching Wheel of Fortune. The justice system in the south, having a sympathetic hand toward its women and their plight, let her off on one small technicality. She was having her menstrual cycle at the time.

This assault will need to be done in the middle of summer. Make a salmon paste in the microwave, or your favorite stinkbomb recipe. Get it nice and hot and easy to spread. Try to get it to the consistency of spreadable tub butter. Take his shoes and very carefully peel back the inner insoles. Spread the salmon paste underneath and glue the rubber insert back in. This assault will be for the man who has called you a name, denied you that beautiful dress, asked you the question, "How many BariJ bags are you going to own?", or the big question, "What have you done all day and why is the house such a mess?!" If you really want him to know what you have done all day, buy a package of Post-It notes and place them all over the house with statements on them such as; Who dusted this lamp?, Who hung up these clothes?, Who washed these windows?, etc, etc.... Easily, Post-It's would be all over the house for him to read. This assault will also kill two birds with one stone; if he flirts with any girls at work or vice versa, this now will come to a complete halt.
This abomination will be for the women who own cats and have men who sleep in the nude, which should be outlawed by the way. Nothing is worse then waking up in the middle of the night and looking over to see the hall light reflecting on two shiny objects attached to your man's body. Many times I have awoken to this nightmare and slapped at these two monsters. Buy a can of tuna. Do this on a night when he has had a few beers or he is overly tired. Corner the cats and do not feed them all day. Creep into the bedroom and put a spoonful of tuna juice mixed with tuna pieces, nine inches below his belly button. Carefully lift a certain floppy appendage with kitchen tongs and place another spoonful. If you do not have it in you, then put the tuna between his toes or under his arm. If you can manage to get him on his stomach, well....... then ladies, you will have a perfect line to trace the paste through. Grab the fat and ravenous cats, and let them go to town! Remember to always take photos or have a hidden video camera handy. This is very important because you will want to play the video at Tupperware parties, baby and bridal showers, office parties, and family functions.
This is a very bad one for that especially bad man. You must have a gay-man friend on hand for this. If you don't have access to a gay man then comb the newspaper ads and hire one for the evening. Promise him a Bari J handbag or one of Lisa Kaus' pink cupcakes as payment. Get your husband liquored up and wait for the passout. Enter your gay cohort. Throw him up in the bed with the gay man and photograph him in all kinds of compromising positions. Make 20 copies and put them in a safety deposit box. Now, tell that little flick of a flea that if he doesn't do exactly what you say during your relationship or your divorce/breakup that the photos will circulate all over town. I have done this and it is a wonderful and useful way to extort money and credit cards from the poor little cheating dog. You will also gain a new best friend in the gay man.
This one is all about good clean fun. I did this one many years ago to my first husband. We lived on a piece of property that ended right next to an ancient unused graveyard. I would tell him incidents and stories of seeing and hearing things and he became a firm believer in ghosts. Late one night I got the brilliant idea of tying a thin piece of thread to my finger, the other end had a clothespin attached to it. I ran the thread out the window. Every few minutes I would pull the string which would make the clothespin rattle against the window. My husband would become very alarmed over this, frozen in terror, he would refuse to get up, as I lay there, hysterically laughing (pretending I was crying). You could easily do this one yourself, just sit back and enjoy yourself watching your husband race outside with his gun looking for a perpetrator or a ghost, but remember, when he races outside, drop the string that way you won't get busted.
This next one is to cause major afflictions and insecurities in your man's brain. When your man wakes up, act like you are very very upset about something. If you are a good actress you can pretend to cry and have very shaky hands. He will immediately begin to ask you what's wrong. The first thing you should say is, "We need to talk." in a very serious tone. Just walk away from him and say, "I can't even look at you right now." When he comes home that evening searching for answers, tell him while he was sleeping that you were awoken to his loud sleep talking. Tell him about how he went on and on for fifteen minutes or so and the words he spoke were very very clear. Tell him he continued to call out the name of one of his closest friends. Pick the friend who is the most handsome by the way. Tell him he was moaning in pleasure, begging the man, and making statements such as, "Bill, I love you, and I want to be with you", "I need you Bill", "Kiss me Bill", and something about round firm buttocks, and "Oh God Bill". While you tell him these things, you will need to be shaking and crying. Tell him you don't know what to do now and you're not sure if you can stay in a relationship with a man who has closeted intentions and secret desires. His first reaction will be anger. Let him stew on it for a few days while you remain distant and dead silent. Hopefully, this won't backfire on you and he informs you that it is true! After he has pondered on this for awhile and questioned his manhood, he will start to fear that he is going to lose you and he will immediately start to hand over credit cards and cash. Another wonderful thing to come of this is, it will most likely cause a certain thing to not rise to the occassion anymore, so no more avoiding him at bedtime.
If your husband gets drunk on the Fourth of July or any other night and you're mad about it, throw him in bed naked, and get him rolled over onto his belly. If it actually is the Fourth of July, carefully... carefully... insert the end of a sparkler, ever so gently into his crack, light the sparkler, and run. If it's not the Fourth of July, then just grab a long match stick, light it and run. You can do this between his toes as well, which here in the South we call that a "hot foot" so I guess if you use the crack for a sparkler clamp it would be called a "hot butt". Be very careful in certain areas where your husband might have an over abundance of hair. Have motel reservations ready and your BariJ handbag in the car with the motor running. Flee, run, flee!
Again, this will have to be for the women who own cats. This is, by far, one of my all time favorites. I have done this many times against many men. Each time it gets better and better. You must buy thick plastic gloves for this mission and a pair of kitchen tongs. Head to the catbox. Grab as many tootsie rolls that you can find and place them in a ziplock bag. Throw them in the freezer, while remembering to do this with style and grace. Continue to collect three to four days worth of doodles. Unthaw all the doodles and wait for his sleep. Head out to his car, this part will get a little sketchy, but trust me, it can be done with the utmost dignity. With gloves on, feel underneath the seat, you will feel alot of metal and places you can easily smush the doodies into. It is very very important to secure the doodie, otherwise they will roll from underneath the seat towards the gas pedal. You do not want this because you want him to have to pick at it for the rest of his life to get it off. He will most likely have to sell the car. If you plan to keep your man after this assault, you can blame it on neighborhood night time trickster banshees that break into cars and spread mischief.
Simple things can be done such as painting his toenails blood red and have zero fingernail polish remover on hand. I cannot tell you how many fun nights I have had doing this. Enter your husbands phone number, email, photo, address, and all other personal information to all male seeking male companionship websites and dating services. Eyebrow shaving is a great one too. All of these things can be done, you just need a steady hand and you have to be fast. So practice before you attack. These ideas are the typical all-time favorites. You can scream out as loud as you can, "Fire, fire, fire!!! and when he awakens completely startled and scared, pretend you are dead asleep. You can put itching powder on selective places on his body. You can super-glue his hand to all kinds of fun places. Once I glued my husbands finger to the inside of his nose. Another trick with salmon paste is to make a tuna paste mustache under his nose while he sleeps.
For this assault you will need a Barbie and Ken doll, a 12 pack of beer, a camera, and again, a pair of kitchen tongs. When your husband gets home at night, be extra super sweet, and meet him at the door with a bottle of one of his favorite beers. Give him a long massage and feed him a frozen undercooked TV dinner. You don't want to go too overboard. Continue to fill his belly full of beer, whisper "sweet nothings" in his ear filled with promises of "tonight's the night", "are you feeling lucky tonight?" Then when he's nice and toasted put him to bed. Again, in the nude. If your husband is like mine, he will be in a sleep coma 10 minutes later. You will want to strategically place the Barbie doll or the Ken doll (whichever you prefer) on or around your husbands 11th finger in various poses, for example Ken doll can grab on, straddle, and give a big hug to the hot dog, while smiling towards the camera. You will then want to loudly yell the word BOOBIE, which will immediately awaken your husband with a big smile upon his face. The second that happens snap the picture. If you are planning on divorcing your husband, you can use the photo on all of the Christmas cards you plan on sending out.
This one may arguably be the worst one yet. You will need to save this one for a very special day for the little man when he has a big meeting with the boss, a presentation, a conference, or whatever the next day. There is a new weight loss pill on the market called "Alli." The goal of this drug is to breakdown fat, which means one cannot eat fatty foods while taking this medication. The side-effects are horrendous which include anal seepage, exploding diarrhea, and painful flatulence. To tell you the truth, I think I would prefer to remain fat. The night of the attack, cook buttered biscuits, Crisco fried-chicken, french fries, and a Mrs. Smith frozen apple pie. Mix in three to five Alli pills (depending on your husbands size). This should hit your man right around mid to late morning. When it comes, it will be hard and swift. Picture him racing to his car, hand covering his backside, throws a newspaper in the seat, and squealing out of there like a bat out of hell! As he races through the door, wildly ripping his clothes off, he screams, "Something is terribly wrong!! Call 911!! Get me to the hospital!!" Enjoy the rest of your afternoon.

One of the perpetrators in the above stories.

Comments

No!! I can't believe you 've done all these tricks!!!Poor husbands, they must have a very strong sense of humor!!I suppose he must be scared to fall asleep now
;D

Posted by: Laetitia | September 09, 2007 at 02:39 AM

I need oxygen...I am in pain, doubled over and laughing! I will never, ever look at a sparkler the same again! You are soooo ...creative!

Posted by: Debbie Baumann | September 18, 2007 at 11:19 PM

Just found your blog via Sally Jean & Lisa Kaus. Too hysterical! I see that you are a fan of Confederacy of Dunces! That's my ALL time favorite book. Do you like David Sedaris too? He's also a wonderfully funny writer-I recommend Me Talk Pretty One Day...I'll be back to visit again!

Posted by: Laura Bray | September 29, 2007 at 12:33 PM

Laura Bray sent me to look at this blog. You are a funny, funny lady and I love all the goodies you display. Your taste in authors seems to run with mine as well. You have been bookmarked here at Trails End. Thanks for making me laugh.

Posted by: Laura Miller | September 29, 2007 at 02:17 PM