Meia, The Devil Dog

Again, I would like to thank all of the people who have made comments and left me wonderful emails. I never thought so many people would find us so quickly and would find our stories so entertaining. I was going to wait a while until I wrote another blog, but after so many emails I decided I would write a blog once a week. If you enjoy this blog, be sure to sign up for my blog feed so you can be notified when I post another blog. This blog was supposed to be about another subject, but after spending the adventurous weekend at my mothers, I felt the urge to write about it, mainly for therapy. I intend to tell many strange pet tales, but this blog will be dedicated to the one and only true dog from hell. The most heinous act a dog has ever done will be told at the end of this story!!!

The weekend started off uneventful. My mother and I rolling on the floor lauging in our nightgowns one minute and within seconds one or the other proceeds into hysterical fits of nervous breakdowns and can't go on any longer.

We accomplished many things the first night pertaining to our fabulous little boutique. We managed to find the most beautiful and charming handbags and artists I have ever seen. I cannot wait to showcase these lovely items and I will be talking about them in my next blog. Anyways, back to the horror that is awaiting me. I should have known at the end of the first night things were going way too well. The first incident came at 1 AM when I was awoken to a loud banging and jingling noise. I opened my eyes, terrified that I might see the hovering ghost of Granny, which is a whole nother blog coming soon.

What I saw was that devil dog "Meia" who my mother has had for years. She had obviously hid in my room and was now in the middle of head-butting the door while her dog collar jingled against itself. I know for a fact she would stop and look at me with a grin on her face. After letting the dog out and mischieviously placing her into my mother and fathers bedroom, I quietly shut their door. I went back to sleep only to be awakened 40 minutes later to a piercing noise coming out of the dying batteries within the smoke alarm.

Being only 5feet 2inches tall, no chair in the room, and deathly afraid to wake my father, I had to lasso the smoke alarm with my bra strap. While it was still going off, I flung it out into the yard.

The next morning, I was tired and cranky. My mother and I witnessed her dainty, gorgeous, long-haired, rag-doll cat who we lovingly call "Pussilicious, wildly racing room to room. Deep, long drawn out meows, obviously terribly upset over something, back and forth she raced. After about 5 minutes of chasing and cornering the petrified cat, we finally found the object that was terrifying her. A loan dark item from the catbox had attached itself to her fluffy tail.

My mother, as usual decided I was to handle this situation because of all the years that I caused her much grief and misery. As you may have well guessed, Meia the devil dog, finding the whole incident fascinating with her love of gourmet cat sausages, was also chasing the cat which added to her horror. One of my mothers many tasks in life is to keep Meia away from the catbox.

Another favorite past-time of Meia's is to race in the cow pasture and locate the nearest and freshest cow-patty, roll in it, and then head back to the house. My mother has an immaculate and beautiful home, and these incidents have caused her to have several, day long nervous breakdowns.

After cleaning the cat and doctoring all of my cat scratches, I took half of a valium and decided to paint my toenails, while I read my emails on my laptop which was sitting on a foot stool. The second I took the cap off of the fingernail polish remover, Meia, the dog from hell, jumped up to attack some invisible bug or acknowledge Granny's ghost, and knocked the bottle out of my hand onto the laptop keyboard. After another valium and a phone call to Dell's laptop order line, I had to tell the news to my husband that I blew up the laptop. After a huge fight and one more valium, I noticed my highly unusual Aunt, heading up the drive. She stops by once a week to inform us about her many illnesses acting up and what one of her 30 doctors has prescribed to her, which is usually valium, vicodin, and 3 White-Russians that she occassionally adds to the mix. She is my favorite Aunt.

By this time I was slightly impaired by the valium and got the bright idea to film my Aunt with the video recorder. I made a huge and hysterical discovery. If you focus the camera on a woman's arm pit, it looks exactly like a certain body part that I cannot mention. For the next hour, the three of us wildly took close-up snapshots of our underarms trying to see who had the prettiest one. We then loaded the pictures onto the big screen TV and for the rest of the night we made ourselves sick from laughter. It was by far the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life!!! I would kill to post these pictures but my mother has threatened me with death. I am sure you can use your imagination.

In the middle of watching two lizards in a romantic encounter for 30 minutes my mother and I smelled a horrible odor coming from behind us. Meia had been in the cow pasture, and she was grinning. It was time to get the hell out of there and away from my mother's mad house to the hell-hole I live in with my husband.

As I drove away, I began thinking about the history of Meia, a stray who appeared on their property about 10 years ago who was taken in due to the pleading of my son. This dog must eat off of a special paper plate, is terrified of her water dish, and has to sneak up on it with much hesitation. Her flatulence and corpse-breath is beyond human comprehension. She even follows my mother around room to room every second of the day, refusing to leave her side, constantly tripping my mother causing her to take many tumbles. If I had to list every psychotic thing about this dog, I would be here all day.

My mother thinks one of her childhood dogs has been reincarnated in the form of Meia Allundra Moon, the devil dog from hell. My mother and her brother (the unknown wine critic who will grace us with his presence later on) chased the original little dog coming from opposite ends of the yard and scaring her into rolling over and releasing five or six mini-torpedoes from her rear-end. This heinous act occurred several times. Now my mother is tortured on a daily basis by their dog of long ago.

My father's greatest fear in life developed a few years back from what we like to call "The Incident." The story is so horrific I have never been able to speak of it before and this is the one and only time I will talk about it in my lifetime. Packed tight in a SUV heading for the mountains, two adults, one mean-mouthed Diva, one teenaged boy, lots of luggage, a yowling cat, and "The Dog." We entered downtown Atlanta in the maze of spaghetti junction traffic. There is no going back and NO STOPPING!!!

Halfway into this tangled maze the dog starts to panic. My mother and I exchanged nervous glances. Within seconds the dog is frantic, panting, swaying back and forth, with her eyes rolled back in her head! As Big Daddy's horror sets in, he weaves in and out of traffic and puts the pedal to the medal!

We are still two miles from the nearest exit. The dog began to bow up! We all become very tense. The Diva starts to scramble towards the back of the SUV. The teenager started pointing and wildly laughing while making a mad dash for the video camera! Dad now realizes his fate!!!

The dog plunges herself into the front seat onto the middle console. She takes her stance and once again begins to bow up. In a last ditch effort, mama tries in vain to find a cup. But it's all too late.

With the saddest look I have ever seen on a grown mans face, my father awaits his fate, which is slowly emerging from the dogs backside, two feet from his face. My mother sprang into action as she hurled the small sausage-like torpedo into oncoming traffic.

My father never takes his eyes off that dog now when they travel.

Comments

[lisakaus]

Goodness- You make me feel like my life is going backwards---Although I have some interesting and chaotic adventures- yours seems to be filled to the brim with them at every corner.
Ciao

[Mosaic Queen]

Okay....you now have me looking at my armpit area in the mirror.
I had a similar dog incident. I was making a 7 hour trip to meet up with my husband who was working out of town. With me, were 3 kids, another on the way and 2 dogs. Two hours from arrival, a horrific smell takes over the vehicle, kids are gagging and crying and I am in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming. Finally, I find a little town with one self-serve carwash. I hustle the kids from the vehicle (suburban), pull out the dogs and tie them up, open up all doors and I literally hosed down the inside of the vehicle and then the dogs. All while trying not to vomit due to my condition. I then loaded everyone back into the vehicle and drove the rest of the way to whining and crying because the car was now wet. I WISH I could've taken a valium!! Thank you for another dose of laughter!!

[coleen]

I thought we were the only family with a devil dog!!! Also known as Taj (as in Taj Mahal)...we sometimes call him "squirt" for obvious reasons...i think I'll take the squirts over the torpedos!!! Too dang funnie!!!