Before Daphne's Cottage

I knew there would come a time where I would have to talk about a semi-serious subject. (and there won't be many of them) I also knew the time would come where my mother would demand to be heard and now the time has come. I wanted to write this particular blog cause I believe that no matter what, women can accomplish any dream they set their minds to. I have been lucky in the fact that I have a wonderful family to stand behind me and give me lots of support. I truly believe that even without this support you can still accomplish your goals and dreams.

A year ago my life was 100% completely different than it is now. I have always had the desire to have a boutique and to design a line of loungewear, sleepwear, fun-frilly tops, and slippers and sandals. It is probably going to take me close to a year to accomplish this part of my dream, however, the boutique part is about to become reality within a month or two.

I woke up one morning and just decided to "do it." I felt as though I had nothing to lose, except my husband’s money which is nothing new. I have dragged my mother into this as my business partner and we have never had more fun. I have met so many charming, intelligent, and fabulous women on this journey. I have discovered the world is filled with imaginative and creative people which renewed my faith in humanity. I of course must mention that I have run into many brilliant male artists as well. I really hope that you enjoy these stories. My mother wanted her introduction to be about what our lives consisted of before we took on this adventure and how within one moment your life can change and be turned upside down.

I now hand the keyboard to my mother.....

Since Elizabeth feels that she must mention me from time to time and use me as the butt of most of her jokes and tell all of my secret tales, I feel I must present my side of these stories and give my opinion when I see fit.

Most of the time when she calls me and reads to me what she wants to put in the blog, I either hang up on her or have to threaten her. Elizabeth and I are very close we have many things in common but also many differences. I am far more concerned with public opinion and always doing the right thing and putting others first. Elizabeth would like to put herself first as the leader of the 'Free World.' Knowing my daughter and her nature it amazes me, and always will, that she woke up one morning and finally decided to do this. Not only has she picked out some of the most beautiful things from around the world she has managed to make unbelievable contacts and a few celebrities to come along for the ride. (To be named later.)

She is working 18 hour days, falling asleep mid-sentence, and once I even saw her fall asleep standing up. One year ago her one true career ambition was to be a CIA hired assassin, traveling the world, taking out undesirable men. The scary thing is, I know deep down, she'd be there number one employee as I have seen her in action, I will let her reveal those stories.

I believe there are two personalities fighting inside her brain. One side is a gun-toting mobster that would make Tony Soprano cringe and the other a mint-julep, glove wearing, Southern Belle, with a sweet angelic grin on her face. A year ago before this all started, a 24 hour day in our lives went something like this.....

• At 6AM, I get up, dress, fix breakfast, start housework, and prepare to go on a long walk. Elizabeth is still asleep, having stayed up most of the night.
• 7AM I am trying to sneak out of the house trying to avoid my father, who lives on the ranch, and also walks in the morning. Walking with him means an hour of loud booming, ranting and lecturing about politics, the end of the world, and unbelievable exaggerating and outright lying. Once I heard him tell someone that he flew with the ‘Blue Angels’. His other favorite topic is, “When is Elizabeth going to behave, stop spending money, and lose 10 lbs?” My parents have zero patience for people who are even five pounds overweight. Once when Elizabeth gained 20lbs after several surgeries we would have to strategically place blankets and prop pillows all around her body when they would stop by. On another occasion she wrapped herself in a large quilt pretending to have the flu. Elizabeth is still asleep and is dreaming, once again, about aliens abducting her, telling her secrets and showing her space décor. I know at least once a month she will call me and insist these abductions really did happen.
• 8AM I manage to avoid my father by hiding behind trees, crouching in bushes, and sprinting down our lane to the road. Elizabeth is still asleep and has now progressed into meeting the alien leader. It seems that they think she is their goddess.
• 9AM I exercise, meditate, do make-up, and make one of my many lists. I know Elizabeth will make fun of me and tell about the one time she found one of my lists hidden under the couch. The list was titled “End of the World Grocery List and Survival Tactics.” Elizabeth is still sleeping.
• 10AM I watch HGTV and Martha Stewart while I complete various projects and start a new painting. Still sleeping, the aliens reveal the secret of life to Elizabeth.
• 11AM I brush and play with my cat, continue painting, and try in-vain to avoid the dog, which is the bane of my existence. Elizabeth wakes up gradually, angry, very angry and lounges in bed for at least an hour, pointing her toes and admiring her feet, which she once had the bright idea of opening a website, starring her feet. She forced her husband to photograph her feet for two days straight, until she became bored of that idea. She also has a firm and strict belief that when you are in bed with a man you must always be pointing your feet, never flexing.
• 12PM I prepare lunch, do laundry, pacify the latest problems of my husband and deal with the dogs latest exploit. All this while doing my Chi breathing exercises. Elizabeth eats 8 peanut-butter cups for breakfast and plots her first phone call to me.
• 1PM After trying on a series of expensive robes and nightgowns, which she lives in, in front of the mirror, experimenting with facial expressions (mostly pouting) . She grabs her coffee and peanut butter cups and situates herself on the settee. The calls begin, dread sets in. Elizabeth as usual, talks too long ( she loves to hear herself and thinks her voice is like a harp), there are a lot of dramatic pauses and wasted time that drives me crazy. She relives every event from the night before including all of her boring cat stories assuring me all the while that she is right about everything.
• 2PM I run errands, Elizabeth calls me in the car and wants to know how long it will take to kill a man, with a high cholesterol diet. She then tells me about her latest alien abduction dream and how it caused her to become psychic.
• 3PM I am home and have begun to paint again. More calls, she is disappointed that murder by high cholesterol might take years and wants to know if feeding moldy cheese to a man who is allergic to penicillin will kill him. Again she is bitterly disappointed.
• 3:30PM the call I dread the most that starts off with “Mom, I need to tell you something.” Heart pounding, she tells me that she was pulled over for speeding and flirted her way out of a ticket but the officer gave her a citation for an expired drivers license, which is 6months expired. She then tells me that she will have to go in front of a judge as this is a misdemeanor offense and why didn’t anyone tell her that she had to renew it. She informs me that she is going to prison and mean barbarian-amazon women are going to attack her, hold her down, and cut off her golden hair. After 15 minutes, she actually convinces me that this could happen which makes me go into hysterics and I have to go lie down. My husband convinces me that we are ridiculous and that people don’t go to prison for expired licenses.
• 3:45PM she calls back and asks if I could throw myself on the floor and have convulsions if the judge sentences her to the “Big House.” Horrified, I continue to hound my husband with prison questions until he angrily throws the paper into the air and heads for the backyard where he sits in silences and stares at nothing for over an hour.
• 4PM Elizabeth calls and asks me if her beauty could possibly make a female judge jealous. I yell at her and tell her, “No, because your butt is as big as a garden mule!” and I hang up on her.
• 4:10PM she calls and asks where one would buy a wheelchair and oxygen tank, knowing exactly what she’s thinking (her in a wheelchair on court date) I take the phone off the hook secretly wishing they would haul her off for a few days so I could have some peace. I will not mention some of the other ways she came up with to get out of going to prison. In the end, she didn’t even have to pay a fine.
• 4:30PM I must stop all progress and nonsense for the fifth time today to help my husband locate something. I find it in less than a minute every time. Elizabeth begins her hour long bathing ritual which involves using four or five different French soaps, three hair products, and several French lotions. The French to her after years of investigation are the only people who can produce high-quality body products.
• 5PM I suffer through a visit from my mother who wants to discuss the same exact things we discussed the previous day and her other favorite subject, “Why is everyone so fat and has Elizabeth lost 10lbs yet?” “Is she still eating peanut butter cups and should we have an intervention?” By this time Elizabeth is painting her toenails for the fourth time this week and his combing through her massive and elaborate collection of hair jewelry. She is now considering taking a valium or two. If it’s two, the phone calls become very interesting.
• 6PM I prepare a full nutritious dinner and make sure to feed the birds and squirrels in my yard and other various critters. Elizabeth’s husband has arrived home and is locked in the bathroom hiding. He knows he must soon come out, venture out into the night to buy Tampax, the latest decorating magazine, other various items, and peanut butter cups.
• 7PM, more calls. Elizabeth wants to know if a man can die of sleep deprivation. I am fed up with all of these questions, so I call her a “crazy bitch” under my breath, but she hears it and starts yelling. I am forced to hang up on her. She calls back 10 minutes later and asks how to make chicken and dumplings and how one would grow salmonella on chicken and can salmonella kill a man?
• 8PM Elizabeth calls again while I desperately try to watch “Dancing with the Stars” and try all of the dance steps myself, while my husband watches cage fighting in the other room. She has called to inform me that she is having a nervous breakdown and cant take it anymore and what restaurant she sent her husband to get take-out from.
• 9PM I try to calm myself knowing that ten o’clock is coming soon and she is forbidden to call after that time, but she calls again. What will it be this time? Another kidney stone, a trip to the hospital, her thumb is paralyzed again; another nervous breakdown, or she may have fallen off of the kitchen counter again. For the love of God, I have never been able to get a good explanation as to why she walks on her kitchen counter so much.
• 10PM nervous breakdown over, Elizabeth fires up her laptop, shifts into high-gear, puts on her tiara (yes, this is true) and half her jewelry, does dramatic elaborate Marie Antoinette hair-do’s, grabs her candy and mirror, and starts to shop online. I bathe, organize things for tomorrow, and check my Feng Shui charts and try to think positive thoughts.
• 11PM I am asleep and Elizabeth is entertaining herself by making up highly inappropriate songs filled with cuss-words that you could not pay me to repeat. She then puts the words to a tune so she can sing them to me in the morning convinced that she is a genius. She is also trying to teach her cat how to speak. She then spies on her loud “Yankee” neighbors who seem to do a lot of strange and private things outside in lawn chairs.
• 12AM Elizabeth is up for the night coming up with new and inventive ways to torture her husband, making mental lists of all the things she will need to tell me on the phone tomorrow, and watching either Marie Antoinette or Anna Nicole on DVD. She also works on her scrapbooking where she likes to cut pictures of her head and place them on Pamela Lee’s body.

Now of course, we have many calls back and forth due to our great excitement about launching Daphne’s Cottage, which is Elizabeth’s concept and dream. We make a great team deciding on many beautiful and unusual items we want to carry to make women feel good and look good. We are having so much fun and Elizabeth has worked very hard to make Daphne’s Cottage a charming, entertaining, and exciting place to shop and visit.

Elizabeth sometime in the 90's being a Diva and wearing bad fashion.

Elizabeth's scrapbook art. Her head on Pamela Lee's body.

Comments

[Laetitia]

;D ,this post is too funny !!I wonder if the Mother doesn't exagerate just a little!!
Anyway you are both one of a kind and very funny !
and of course dreams can become true , I agree with that

and the photos of the cakes are fantastic! I have a fairy tale cake to do in papier maché, and these cakes inpire me

[daphnescottage]

Well, the blog is about me, and no she was 100% correct. I call her 15 times a day, filled with awful drama and questions concerning man murder. I dont want to kill a man, I just want to hurry his natural death along. Hahaha..I tease, I tease!!! NOT!!! I am trying to stop calling so much, but the cord was never realy cut!!! Right now, I could get up in bed with my Mother and Father with a blanket, a teddy bear, a tiara, look at each one and smile and sit there all night in heaven. They roll their eyes and tell me to get out. My parents want to escape to Alaska. I would find them though!!! Oh and that cake your planning to do, bad mistake to mention it here. I want it!!!!!!!!! Mine!!! I have a love for cakes and cupcakes. That's why I love Lisa Kaus. Check her site out, she makes divine cupcake and cake art!!! I will be e-mailing you about that cake Miss French Goddess!!!