Jezebel or Southern Belle?

Are you a ‘Jezebel’ or a ‘Southern Belle’?

Have you ever drank too much champagne and woke up in bed with your panty-hose filled with leaves, twigs, and dirt and can't remember how they got there?

Have you ever been so angry at your husband you ran after him while he tried to speed away in his slow moving Volkswagen, grabbed onto his bumper in your nightie, no underpants, screaming obscenities throughout the neighborhood? When the car finally hits third gear you're forced to let go into a massive mud puddle. Out of nowhere, a pack of wild dogs appeared, consisting of a skinny dog on its last leg, a fat dog, a tiny dog, and a poodle. Mortified, you take off with the dogs in hot pursuit until you run into your husband’s boss, who unfortunately lives on the same street.

Have you ever followed a man, while incognito, with your best friend, all over town, to see what mischief he's up to? Of course, we all have, but.....
Have you ever followed your man, to his buddy's mobile home, which lies in the middle of a cow pasture on a moonless night, where you know 15 of his trouble making friends will be? With microphone and recorder in hand, you crawl on your hands and knees through the cow pasture setting off a cow stampede with them heading straight for you. Dazed and confused from being run over by a cow, you make your way towards your final destination, a damp, dark, muddy, bug-filled world, under the mobile home. As you lay on the ground trying to record the most intelligent, Pulitzer Prize winning babble about boobies, butts, and sports, you realize your fat butt is stuck. After many unsuccessful attempts to free yourself, with panic setting in, you feel a humongous critter making its way towards your 'danger-zone'! You begin to wail and pound on the floor of the mobile home, knowing within moments, you're about to be busted.

Have you ever been so angry at your man, that you took a laser pointer, worked your overweight cats into a hysterical frenzy directing them down the hallway bouncing from wall to wall into the darkened bedroom of your nude sleeping husband? Then you zero in on the buttock area with your amazing laser light. At this point they leap, they pounce, they circle, …THEY ATTACK!!! The whole time trying to control gut-wrenching laughter, you let him fall back to sleep and continue the attack the rest of the night. Another entertaining adventure is to paint your husband's toenails candy-apple red as he sleeps! This can be a very delicate process because you don't want to get paint on your Daphne Sheets and you don't want him to wake up in the middle of the assault.

While watering the plants, have you ever sprayed an unsuspecting cat, a neighborhood kid, or your husband en route to his car because you knew you'd laugh about it for the rest of the day?

Do you have photographs lingering somewhere out there of you at 'Spring Break' that you're petrified might re-surface one day?

Do you secretly wish to be Hugh Hefner's fourth girlfriend without the cha-cha? Have you ever had a country-western song written about you titled "He was hit by a fast movin' train"?

Are all of these women that I mentioned above, ‘Jezebel’s’ or ‘Southern Belles’? None of the women are Jezebel’s considering, one story about a pack of dogs was my mother and the rest were about me.

A Southern Belle, Jezebel.

Of course my mother is terribly concerned I’m only going to tell horror stories and incidents. I do plan to tell stories of the wonderful charming women of my family and their quirky ways. My great-grandmother could have an entire novel written about her and her eccentric family. One fond memory I have of her was her undying love for her pet gander whose name was “Big Daddy”. My family raised geese on their property as a fun scenic hobby. The gander of the bunch was as mean as Satan who chased and bit everyone. After chasing granny one too many times, she grabbed that gander by the neck and twirled it around a few times. From that moment on, that gander would not leave her side but would continue to chase anyone who got within 30 feet of her. She would lay in her hammock by the lake while the gander circled her softly pecking and making soothing goose noises. Their love-fest was so strong that she bought the goose a rhinestone collar and many times took it to town on a leash and walked around with it in all of her glory, fur coat, gloves, and picture hat. What a sight.

Unfortunately, their love affair ended when out of spite or jealousy my grandfather, chopped its head off against the tree that held the hammock. All the while, my mother and great grandmother watched through the window devastated, they never got over it. This story is just a small incident out of many that shaped my mother’s personality and made her the compassionate, strong woman (i.e. nervous wreck), that she is today. Will there be a lot of male bashing in this blog? You betcha!!! However, I will be telling wonderful stories about the men in my family.

Granny was a huge influence on my mother and I. And to this day, my mother can remember so vividly slipping away with granny in her big Cadillac, driving off to Tampa to shop in the finest boutiques and lunch at fancy restaurants. Granny would dress my 11 year old mother in a satin gown, wrap a woman’s mink collar around her neck, one of her leopard hats, and massive gaudy rings on every finger, and this is how they would drive to Tampa. The whole way there, mama being allowed to smoke cigarettes, encased in a long rhinestone cigarette holder and sip martini’s from a liquor flask. She even bought my mother a sterling and mother of pearl cigarette case. Coincidentally my first cocktail and cigarette was given to me by my granny at the ripe ole age of 12. Did she give me a fur coat too? Absolutely. What’s even more scandalous, she let me drive her ancient Cadillac all over town when I could barely reach the pedals. It was all very glamorous. I have only begun to touch on granny. She looked, dressed, and acted the part of the Hollywood movie star. Through all her glamour and glory she had a wild streak. I used to come around the corner and bust her with her head tilted back taking swigs right out of the liquor bottle. One time out of anger she tried to chase my grandfather into his bedroom but he locked the door. So she got an axe and tried to chop the door down.

One night in a fit of rage over the loss of her beauty, granny cut her head off of every single picture she had.

I am starting off light as to not scare the blog reader, but it’s going to get wild in here, if you dare to read it that is. By the end of 20 to 25 stories, I hope to convice women that a race of barbarian women will rise up and conquer all men (and keep a few around for breeding purposes) and that’s why women deserve to pamper themselves and buy what they want from my site and all other boutique sites cause we, as women, deserve it.. My next blog, next week, will be more scandalous than this. I hope you can take it. Enjoy.

I'm going to be posting many pictures.  This first photo is of my mother.  She still feels safe to bend over in front of me after years of collecting photographs of her bending over.  Check back for my special series "Unlocked Doors" and "Surprise Ambushes".

My mother, the Southern Belle, around the same time she latched onto her husbands car bumper screaming obsceneties. She still looks the same but then again, she's pumped full of Botox.

Welcome Colette, what a pretty name, it sounds so French and spunky. I'd also like to thank everyone else who have sent me emails inquiring about the title of this blog. There is a big difference between a Southern Belle and a Jezebel. Yes, it is true, we are famous for our "iron fist under our dainty glove." We also tend to sit back with a smile on our face letting our men think they rule the world, but they really don't hehehe. I must slap my hand for saying such bad things about men all of the time.

A Jezebel is not what one would call a "ho" (although she could be one). She is a woman who runs all over town at all hours of the night having a gay ole' time, dancing on tables, with too much makeup on, one too many cocktails, and too many men on her dancecard. Most of us have a little J-Belle in us. I like to think I have many types of women living inside my little female brain. I know I have enjoyed many a night dancing on tables, but I did have my underwear on!!! Which is a whole different subject I'd like to cover one day, (to thong or not to thong.)

The women in my family would roll over in their graves if they knew women were strutting all over town with a piece of string hiked up their butts hanging out for all of the world to see!! I guess one day we will have people walking around naked. Whatever happened to having a little mystery? Besides, if you show it all of the time, men will get bored. There was something so sweet and so erotic back in the day when a man saw a woman's ankle, it was perceived as scandalous and highly erotic. Or in the Orient, the woman's neck was the most attractive and seductive part on her body. Now we have women on national TV getting out of limo's with no underpants on with a whirlwind of photographers snapping pictures for all the world to see. Talk about self-esteem issues.

I pray we as a society have a backlash to all this vulgarity and women can go back to being mysterious, delicate (but strong-willed), and intelligent treasures that men respect. I have no idea how we will earn respect if tihngs exist such as "Girls Gone Wild". Boy, I would like to take the owner of that show, hogtied, out into a field somewhere, 90 miles from anywhere, and have a chat. Oh yeah, I would bring my taser!!! Of course the women that are doing the show, need their panties jerked up something fierce too. I better stop before I get so mad my eyeballs start rolling back in my head, and I start speaking in tongues, foaming at the mouth.

The other day when the infamous Alec Baldwin called his 11 year old daughter a "Little Pig", my husband said my head turned all the way around, just like the "Exorcist" and stared right at him with my tongue wildly flickering in mid-air, making little growling, grunt noises for at least five minutes. The whole time he was analyzing and planning his escape route. I have no recollection of this. So ladies, we all have a little J-Belle in us, just try to keep it behind closed doors, and please ladies, wear underwear in public.

Comments

[Laetitia]

:D( even I if my dictionnary helped me to understand some jokes, ), well it will be a very funny place here! are the drawings of your doing?

[Colette]

Well, that was entertaining! Your grandmother knew how to live.

Jezebel or Southern Belle?? I didn't know there was a difference! I was taught that a Southern Belle had an iron fist under her dainty velvet glove...

[lisakaus]

Love it! I could not agree with you more...
Cheers!!!

[Mosaic Queen]

Just found your blog and I totally LOVE it!!! I feel like you're talking about me! :)
I can't wait until the subject of "to thong or not to thong" comes up. I have 4 daughters and they will tell you that I have flossed their behinds a few times! I tell them that their behinds can be saved if they keep those strings under wraps! :-) And don't even get me started on the V-J-J flashing of Miss B.S. (wth?)
Anyway, I will be visiting often. Thank you for the laugh this morning!

[secret leaves]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[susan ericson]

Oh my...hysterical. Your blog is a breath of fresh southern air!Susan at Black Eyed Susans Kitchen

[susan ericson]

Still laughing...My grandmother was a believer in a firm foundation for a girl (girdle). It never occured to me to think what she would have thought of a thong...again, still giggling. I will be stopping by often to appreciate your breath of southern air. Susan at Black Eyed Susans Kitchen

[britt-sparkled vintage charm]

lol! you are soo funny!

[Missy Sue Hanson]

I just wanted to thank you for giving me the best laugh of the month! My sides hurt and I feel like an idiot grinning into this computer screen, but, man it feels good, lol! I will definitely be back!

[Denise Fontaine]

Wow! Stunning art....I am so glad I found artist on the same wave! One of my Fairytale shoes was featured on Ullabenullas blog and Eco Chic Weddings..and I just received a big wedding commission on the Cape...Thank you I am not nuts ...so many creative ideas swirling...I love your blog I am going to post.
Denise in Boston

[Ylla]

I too am a strong willed southern woman, I'm from south america, how much more southern can you be? I also learned to drive at 11, and was drinking and smoking at 12, of course I was married at 18, due to my accelerated lifestyle! I now live in Orlando and enjoy the southern ladies lifestyle, I even play "bunco!" Please post often as you are my new obsession and Ms. Britney has become so dull since her Daddy has taken the reigns!

[laura dellaporta]

Hey your fabulous lady!!! What can be better then reading your blog... knowing you... it doesn't get any better..
xoxoxo Laura